(no subject)

[owlectomy]

I recently had a moment of blinding self-realization, one of those things I can't believe I never noticed until now.

I have a habit of occasionally -- once a year or so -- buying some makeup, determined that I will be one of those people who looks put together and professional and not like a failure at life, and then I remember that actually I really hate wearing makeup, until I forget, and repeat the cycle. I have always assumed that this is because I am fundamentally lazy (this is true) and wasteful (a little true) and generally a failure at life.

But actually, it's not that.

It's that it's really hard to find a place to stand when mainstream culture is telling you that if a woman spends too much time on her appearance she's vain and high-maintenance, and if she spends too little time on her appearance she's not trying hard enough (and also, she's not pretty enough), and if you cannot look effortlessly gorgeous -- or pretend to look effortlessly gorgeous -- then you lose.

And if you're not pretty and you spend any time on your appearance, then that's the worst, because it's pathetic to think that you could be pretty. (Unless you are the heroine of a teen film, and all you have to do is take off your glasses and ponytail!)

This is multiplied when I don't see myself in mainstream media -- not in the sense that people like me are underrepresented, but in the sense that it's rare for me to see people with a look I would want to emulate. So -- it's taken me quite a long time to envision any possibilities for myself beyond "Ah, to hell with it."

"Ah, to hell with it" may continue to be my default position because as far as fashion is concerned, being tall and plus-sized and not too wealthy tends not to work out in my favor. But I feel like I've spent too long having internalized this idea that I'm going to get slapped down the minute I stick my head out -- it's not like it has no basis in truth, but I feel like I would rather risk getting slapped down just a little.

Comments

[sasha_feather]

Yes, I hear you.

[rachelmanija]

And if you're not pretty and you spend any time on your appearance, then that's the worst, because it's pathetic to think that you could be pretty.

Ugh, that was what I was up against until I was at least 25. Then I figured out that regardless of mainstream beauty standards, the people who said I was pretty were not lying to me in order to mock me, they genuinely thought I was pretty. What people are attracted to is, I realized, extremely subjective - so much so that it might actually encompass me.

I still don't wear makeup, as a rule. Occasionally for parties or job interviews.

Well...

[ysabetwordsmith]

This is one of those areas where I'm glad to be social teflon. I don't want to waste time and money trying to please people I dislike. Anyone worth my attention will not care that I don't wear makeup. The only kind that appeals to me is nail polish and I don't even wear that very often.

[flemmings]

Also tall and plus-sized and not too wealthy, I wore make-up in my 30s because a line came out whose colours I loved and that suited my colouring. But I did it for me, because I liked the way it looked. Stopped wearing it when I lost interest and never did again, even when teaching in Japan.

I figured I'd never look the way a woman 'should' look according to the ads (and/or the Japanese idea of gaijin), so there wasn't much use in trying. People were only going to react to me as 'tall'-- which is actually not a bad thing, since it also somehow encompasses 'capable' and 'in charge'.

[oyceter]

Ugh, I always go through that same cycle as well, often prompted when my sister talks about some new makeup she's gotten or whatnot. And then I remember I don't like how it feels and would rather sleep ten more minutes than put on makeup, and there goes that.

Also, when I got really made up for my sister's wedding, my favorite auntie I think was trying to make me feel good by saying how nice the makeup looked on me, I should try doing eye makeup every day, but mostly I was just annoyed.

[meaghansketch]

Yeah, all of this. (Or mostly all of this. I do know things are easier on the 'misses' side of the size range, though as far as I can tell I'm still stuck ordering my pants from the internets).

I feel like I do look "better" with makeup (though even that is so loaded-- better by which standards?) but I feel like I'm not always comfortable performing femininity to that extent, even as much as I'm on the 'cis' side of the gender spectrum.

Mostly I just don't care that much. I don't know how the people who work with me who wake up at 4:30 or 5:00 consistently look "put together". I figure if I show up showered and not in pajamas, well, what more do they want from me? Even on days I have to be in at 10:00 and not 6:00, I'm always going to choose an extra 10 minutes either sleeping or running above 10 minutes putting on makeup.

I am not really comfortable with the fact that spending 10 minutes doing a strictly non-work-related task at home (putting on makeup) somehow translates into me being (or at least appearing) more 'professional'. My work is as good on days I care about my appearance and days I don't. I am also not super-comfortable playing a part in perpetuating a system where some bodies are more valued than others, and the ones that are valued more are the ones which, whether through genetics, effort, or a combination of the two, hew most closely to social norms which are often sexist, racist, ableist, and anti-trans*.

Getting my eyebrows done (which I do only either for an event or on a whim, not on any kind of schedule) is especially fraught for me, since I feel I'm both paying money and enduring pain to conform to a pretty narrow beauty ideal. I do feel like I look 'better' with them 'done', but I also feel like I don't look like myself.

Yeah, so I have some complicated feelings on this, I guess.

But I definitely do the 'buying makeup once a year with the expectation that I am Going To Wear It And Be An Acceptable Adult Woman' thing. Which never actually happens.

[writerjenn.livejournal.com]

I tried makeup when I was in junior high and didn't like the way it felt. The eyeshadow got in my eyes. The lip gloss made my lips feel dry; lipstick felt waxy. Blush and powder got everywhere. It was so uncomfortable and such a hassle. So I've never worn it, and I don't miss it.