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1) The thing I needed most to understand about Quebec nationalist / separatist / independentist movements is an analysis I found that separated these movements into three groups:

a) Focused on the survival of Quebecois language and culture

b) Focused on political independence / the creation of Quebec as a capitalist state independent from larger Canada

c) Focused on decolonization / anti-imperialism / liberation more broadly - concerned, among other things, with how the United States was advancing an imperialist capitalist military agenda using Quebec's national resources (e.g. during the Vietnam war).

(c) is absolutely convincing to me, which is why it's a little discouraging that it's hard to find, now, any trace of that left-wing decolonizing fervor. Maybe it's there to a greater extent than I realize - and, on the other hand, I suspect that it wouldn't have had its moment in the sun in the late 60s to early 70s without the tinderbox of the Vietnam War, the American Civil Rights movement / the Paris 1968 unrest, the vast social / economic inequality between Anglophones and Francophones.

2) One of my Big Questions, I think, is whether the xenophobia in Quebec separatist movements is inevitable - whether it's possible to have a separatism that's non-xenophobic or whether that's doomed from the beginning. The nationalist logic is that English is the language of success in Canada as a whole and in North America, so allophone immigrants in Quebec (those who don't speak either English or French) are going to choose to learn English and not French as long as they're not absolutely forced to learn French, so immigration inevitably leads to more people in Quebec who speak English rather than French - and hence who are decreasing the chances for the continuance of a Quebec that's majority-French, the continuance of Quebecois culture, and the movement for an independent state in Quebec.

But that's exactly the same thing that British racists and French racists and Scandinavian racists say about immigrants. So is there a meaningful difference there? Ehhhh. I have much more sympathy for the idea that Quebecois language / culture is in danger of disappearing than the idea that the French language / culture is in danger of disappearing; that's just numbers, plus the fact of living in a majority-Anglophone country and next door to a majority-Anglophone country that has more cultural, economic, and military power than anywhere else in the world. But allophone immigrants in Quebec are required to educate their kids in French, and there are other legal and social measures that I think make the problem much less serious than the fearmongers would suggest. And, more than that, I think a non-racist nationalist movement would have to reckon more seriously with immigrants as people who deserve the same rights as anyone to work, to raise their kids, to try to make good lives for themselves - rather than just as a potential oppositional voting bloc.

3) I'm keeping a tally of how many times I yell "YOU DON'T GET TO ABSOLVE YOURSELF OF BEING COLONIZERS BECAUSE YOU'RE ALSO COLONIZED" into the depths of the McGill Library.

3a) Not really, because the 3rd floor is a zone silent avec collation: silent zone with snacks. (As opposed to the 6th floor, a silent zone without snacks.)

4) There's an aspect to this that kind of feels gross and concern-trolly to me, like, "let me, an Anglophone Quebecker who doesn't even live here anymore, tell you how to do your politics better." It is perhaps slightly ameliorated by the fact that I'm writing a novel and not a polemic. I am never going to 100% feel like a person who is allowed to write this book. But, like, Americans criticize China and Russia and Israel and Venezuela (etc., etc., etc.) all the time! And when I walk down Sherbrooke or St. Laurent I feel so so convinced and passionate about what I love about this city and - if there's anything I want to accomplish politically with this book, it's to make the argument for decolonization-as-in-(c) and multiculturalism not as things that are in conflict with each other but things that are both worth fighting for.
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5 things you'll find in my bag:
1. (Paper) notebook, right now a small red Moleskine AND a thick purple Clairefontaine
2. Tablet for e-books
3. Passport
4. Pencil case
5. Two poems

5 things you'll find in my room:
1. Multiple extreme stacks of library books
2. Many skeins of yarn
3. An in-progress sweater
4. Perfume samples
5. Floordrobe

5 of my favorite things:
1. Weird DIY
2. Languages
3. Drinks with ridiculous or nerdy names
4. Lilacs
5. Cooking things for other people

5 things I'm currently into:
1. Walking around Montreal
2. The history of nationalist and independentist movements in Quebec
3. Border studies
4. Cross-stitch
5. Magic: The Gathering Arena (now that I finally got into the beta). 

5 things on my to-do list:
1. Buy a new SIM card for my phone
2. Go up Mount Royal 
3. Take architecture reference photos
4. Novel research at the McGill library
5. Meet with the volunteer coordinator about my volunteering 
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MFA Sadness is the sadness that you feel when a classmate you genuinely like who genuinely wants to be a good guy writes a story that's kind of misogynistic and you don't want to tell him but you also kind of have to.
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John Darnielle, Universal Harvester

Evocative horror-mystery-coming-of-age novel loosely focused on a young man, working at a video store in central Iowa, who finds disturbing things recorded on some of the tapes that get returned to the store. Much less focused on the horror-mystery plot than the character interactions and the physical and cultural details of daily life in central Iowa. Sad and spooky in a way that I liked a lot.

Weike Wang, Chemistry

A graduate student in chemistry goes through a breakup and processes her feelings about love and her unsatisfactory family life and her failure as a graduate student. Nicely written. The ratio of internal monologue and introspection to things actually happening was a little much for me.

Sunil Yapa, Your Heart Is a Muscle the Size of a Fist

Tight and compelling novel about the WTO riots in Seattle in 1999, centered on a white police chief and his estranged mixed-race son. I liked this a lot, especially in the way that the political parts managed to clearly and strongly advocate for certain values while not pretending to have solved all the problems of non-exploitative economic development in underdeveloped countries. The ending was a little sentimental.

Edward O. Wilson, Half-Earth: Our Planet's Fight For Life

Essays on ecology centering on the thesis that we should leave half the earth for the use of nonhuman species - focusing on biological hotspots and large contiguous areas of wilderness. I wish he were a little more interesting as a writer, because I like his ideas. (Although the chapter on novel ecosystems recalled a discussion I had with Nick from my Restoration Ecology class; Nick thought that accepting that there are some ecosystems we're never going to get back to a "pristine" or "undisturbed" state would lead people to be careless about turning land into gravel pits full of battery acid, while I thought that... hey, there are going to be gravel pits full of battery acid; I would rather we tried to do something positive with them than giving up on them entirely).

Phoebe Wagner and Brontë Christopher Wieland, Sunvault: Stories of Solarpunk and Eco-Speculation

To be reviewed for Flyway Journal soon. There's a lot of good stuff in here, especially the poetry.

Caitlin R. Kiernan, Agents of Dreamland

A slightly Lovecraftian novella of cults and brain-controlling parasites. I enjoyed this the whole way through but could not tell you what happened. I think I've liked the other Kiernan books I've read a bit better because they've had more room for the characters to unfold - they're kind of ciphers in this one.
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Is to consciously turn away from Self-Improvement as an ideal.

To read more books I'm excited about reading and fewer books that I feel bound to read by guilt or duty

To make time for cooking because I enjoy it and because I can cook better vegetarian food than any of the restaurants in walking distance

But also - to understand the difference between doing something because I genuinely enjoy it and doing something because I don't have the energy or brainpower to do anything else, and to try to get more genuine joy and less cardboardy joy substitute.

Going along with that, I am trying very hard to say no to all those promises I tend to make to myself right around the end of December about taking more vitamins and moisturizing my skin and having a clean desk. Because first of all, I probably won't. And second of all - I just really need to stop conceptualizing my whole life as a long list of tasks that I am failing to do. It gets in the way of understanding what you really value. It gets in the way of the few things that genuinely matter.
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I am doing a group project with two other people to develop a restoration plan for a local park.

This is pretty tricky, because the park has a lot of obvious problems (invasives, too many shade-tolerant trees preventing oaks from growing, deer) and some of them cannot be solved within the budget of a smallish city park. We make jokes about introducing cougars, or fraternities with flamethrowers, but... we joke because we can't do it. And in addition, the land we're developing this plan for was set aside with the intention of keeping it preserved as it was in the time of the pioneers. Well, it was prairie potholes back then, and it's oak/maple/hackberry forest now, so we're definitely not getting it back to prairie potholes even if the neighbors were to tolerate us removing all that forest.

Anyway. I'd been very worried about being useless on the project because of my huge lack of scientific knowledge compared to my other group partners (one of whom is literally a SOFTWARE DEVELOPER and is developing a bunch of forest growth models for us), but I've been finding a lot of great articles in online databases, to the point that one of my partners wanted to know how I was able to find so much stuff without having that knowledge base of vocabulary.

First answer: The magic they teach you in library school.

Second answer: You keep on making your best guess at keywords until you find one good article, and that article teaches you enough vocabulary so that you can make a better guess at keywords until you find the next good article, and so on.

"But that takes a really long time."

Well, yes.

And then it occurred to me that I've accumulated a lot of trial-and-error tricks over the years for doing research in a language I'm not completely fluent in, especially when I was researching Sparks & Ashes. And maybe learning about alternative stable states and oak savannas is not so different from that.

The big lesson of Restoration Ecology is that there is some science where you can acquire a superficial understanding by reading Wikipedia and some science where you can't, and "hum a verse and I'll fake it?" is not a terrible strategy if it's the former.
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Iowa State University has a lake - an artificial lake called Lake Laverne - and it has two swans, whose names are Lancelot and Elaine.

It is very proud of its lake and its swans, and they are marketed at alumni who feel nostalgic about the school.

As it happens, I'm in a Restoration Ecology class, and we're split up into three groups: one group is doing a project on prairie restoration, one group is doing a project on woodland restoration (that's my group. We have to figure out how to get the buckthorn and garlic mustard out of a local park), and one group is doing lake restoration. Specifically, Lake Laverne.

Like many lakes, especially in agricultural areas, Lake Laverne has a eutrophication problem. Too many phytoplankton, not enough lake plants, and the lake is cloudy rather than clear.

The lake group thinks they've figured out why Lake Laverne doesn't have plants.

It's because the swans are eating them.

I think it's going to be easier to get the buckthorn out of Emma McCarthy Lee than to ask the university to get rid of Lancelot and Elaine.

(Although, now that I think about it, it might not do much - the massive flock of Canada Geese that wintered on the lake last year might be a bigger problem...)
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All of my female classmates have complained about not being taken seriously by their students. I think I'll have an easier time of it than they did in some respects - just by virtue of not being so young I'll be mistaken for an undergrad student! - but it is definitely a thing.

All of my female classmates have also complained about having student evaluations comment on their physical appearance.

So, right at the rice-and-beans stage of my summer vacation, I am fretting about whether I need skin care products and makeup and new shampoo and new clothes (fortunately I remembered I had some ModCloth credit from some clothes I returned last year!) which is more - I think - about my own confidence level than about whether I can actually get students to like me more.

All of my classmates did fine as teachers. I find it likely that I'm going to be more nervous or awkward than most of them but I will not be the most awkward. No, I probably won't be able to get most people to care about ENGL 150 through the sheer force of my personal presence, but... it'll be fine. Fine-ish.

I could still buy a new lipstick or something. Because CONFIDENCE.
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Door number one: A class in restoration ecology!

Door number two: A class in creative writing and social justice!

Door number three: Take them both and try not to fall into an overworked panic!

... I feel like not taking that social justice class is a thing I'm going to regret, though. I wonder if I can still get a friend to drop it for me.

(It's full, but I know one or two people who are thinking of dropping.)
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When you feel anxious about doing a thing, it lies to you. It says "You can put this off until you don't feel so anxious about it." But if you put it off, the day doesn't come when you don't feel so anxious about it. If anything, repeating this over and over - the anxiety, and the "I don't have to do this right NOW" - creates more anxiety. It conditions you to feel anxious when you think about doing the thing.

But if you say to yourself, "No matter how awful I feel about this, I have to do the thing," that also doesn't work.

It does, a little bit. It does for things that are over pretty quickly once you get over the initial hurdle of anxiety. For me, at least, it doesn't work for creative work or work that requires a substantial level of focus, because trying to force yourself to write for an hour or two while your heart is actually pounding with anxiety is genuinely bad. I can make it work for a little while, but before long, it starts to fall apart. I start to feel as if I'm not allowed to take care of my anxious self.

There is only one way out of this.

First of all, I need to take enough days off that I get back that sense that my time is my own, that I have freedom and breathing room and I am allowed to do what I want.

But more importantly, I need to get in touch with what I love in this book. Every single day, I need to get back in touch with it. Because love actually is stronger than fear. And even if I don't feel less afraid, I feel more sure that what I'm doing is worth doing. I feel more sure that the part of me that wants to finish this book is a better and truer part of me than the part of me that doesn't.

And I won't say that it's easy, but it gives me enough light to see by.
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I will tell you the worst writing advice I ever got from a publishing professional.

The worst writing advice I ever got from a publishing professional is:

"Young Adult has to have a romance because that's what all teenagers are focused on in their own lives."

Every part of that sentence is false.

There are aromantic teenagers and asexual teenagers and late bloomers and teenagers who have stuff going on in their lives family-wise or mental-health-wise or who, for any number of reasons, are not that focused on finding love in high school.

There are also so many YA books that don't have romances! There are some where a romantic relationship isn't a part of the story at all - or it's only a small part - or it's a fairly big part but it isn't a capital-R Romance at all, in the sense of being a story where one of the big story questions is "Are they going to get together???" and the answer is "Yes!"

(Even the "because" is false because what you want from fiction and what you want from real life are often different things).

*

One of the big struggles for me in writing this book has been that I struggle to connect with a lot of the romances in YA books. And they're a lot harder to write well, I think, than most people realize. So, a stunningly obvious thing that I only just realized last night:

Romance is characterization.

If you are a very good writer, everything that a character ever does is characterization. How you get ready in the morning, how you drive a car, how you cook. But how someone thinks about love, how it feels for them to be in love - that tells you a lot. I think that's one of the reasons why so much fannish energy goes into shipping - because if your favorite character's romance storylines in canon are non-existent or boring or contrived or stuck in perpetual Unresolved Sexual Tension that's only going to be resolved when the writers can't draw it out any more and the producers want a ratings boost, then that exists as a gap in the canon that's calling out for resolution.

The more I got to know my narrator, Itsuki, the more I realized she didn't easily fit in with any romance storyline I had planned out. She resisted that kind of narrative, for a long time. She made me think, hard, about my own resistance to that narrative, as a reader and as a human being.

The thing is, though? I really like writing love stories. I don't want them to be cheap or dishonest and there are a lot of pitfalls that are hard to avoid. But eventually, I think, I found a way to write it that made sense for who she was. I discovered how she fell in love, how she thought about love.

I am not sure how she would identify herself, if she had all the words of Tumblr at her disposal. But this book has all been a heinous glorious voyage of self-discovery where I have largely had to grope around in the dark with only the dim and shaky light of my intuition to see by, so - I am OK with not being able to fit that neatly into a box. I feel like I have written a book that is honest. That's as much as I can ever hope to do.
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It all started earlier today, when I was opened up a Chinese graded reader on my tablet only to find that it wasn't displaying all the characters correctly. I found a web site online that advised me to un-register the Kindle app, uninstall it, and reinstall it. So I did that, only to find that I couldn't install the app again afterwards.

In fact, I couldn't install anything at all on my tablet.

I figured this was some sort of hardware problem, and did a factory reset on my tablet, and when that didn't work I got as far as getting a request authorization for the tablet, and then it occurred to me that maybe something was wrong with the Google Play store.

So I searched and other people were having problems.

But only Mediacom customers in Iowa and Missouri.

So I called up Mediacom, who told me the following things:

1) It was a problem with my modem

2) It was a problem with my Google account

3) They would send a technician out to my apartment the next week

All while I kept trying and trying to tell the guy that I wasn't the only one having problems.

So what by all rights ought to have been a very minor frustration turned into tearing my hair out because these people I'm supposedly paying for internet access can't be bothered to even listen to what I'm saying.

And I'm annoyed because I deleted all my apps and I can't download them again.

So that's MediaCom. Their slogan is "Hey, CenturyLink is even worse."
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The Schoolbooks & Sorcery anthology is up on Kickstarter at last!

It has stories by a lot of very cool people including Seanan McGuire and Nina Kiriki Hoffman and also me.

The anthology theme is high school + urban fantasy + diversity so naturally when I started to work up a submission for it I was thinking about how I could do a high school story that was different and realized that it's because the protagonist is a witch-in-training who's home-schooled to give her full attention to her witch studies. Anyway, if you like Kiki's Delivery Service but would like it to be gayer or have more bees, this may be a thing you would be interested in!

(I haven't read any of the other stories yet but I'm sure they are very good).
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I had a lot of Thoughts about the WisCon panel on the idea of the "canon," which I mostly did not air due to my desire not to do the "not a question, more of a comment" monologue, but that's what blogs are for.

There was a lot of resistance on the panel to the idea of the science fiction canon, for good reasons, among them being:

a) The canon is not very diverse and a lot of the books in it just have not held up over time - pre-1965-ish there's just not that much science fiction with solid characterization, for example.

b) Being influential is not the same thing as being worth reading now, whether that's because of the Suck Fairy or because book X did a certain idea first but book Y did it a lot better.

c) Reading books because you like them is better than reading books to prove your nerd cred to internet strangers.

d) Gatekeeping is silly, you are allowed to do fandom any way you want.

I agree with all of this!

I also have an unseemly and possibly insecurity-driven fondness for the idea of the canon. How much fondness? Well, I'm reading Ulysses and enjoying it very intermittently, and 100% of the reason is that I feel I ought to have read Ulysses.

It would be great if we all read the books we were going to like, but as we don't know what books we're going to like before we read them, it's all word-of-mouth and internet hype and "I really should have read that book by now."

And perhaps I worry that the sentiment of "Let's talk about and preserve the best of the old stuff" is in some ways a necessary defense against "Let's talk about these three frontlist books from major publishers that came out last month." Which is a conversation I can't keep up with and am not that interested in, because the correlation between publisher hype or book-blogger hype and a book I actually want to read is possibly even worse than the correlation between gatekeeping internet nerd books and the books I actually want to read.

In fact, though there was a year there when I thought I was a bad science fiction fan because I couldn't get through even 50 pages of Foundation, there are so many wonderful books that I would never have read without a dash of grim fannish obligation thrown in! Even though I don't love Dune or Neuromancer or Stranger in a Strange Land it is that sense of their Importance to the Canon that got me to read James Tiptree Jr. and Octavia Butler and Samuel Delany and even "It has a lot of problems but I'm glad I read it" stuff like Watchmen.

There are many good reasons to read books and "I am interested in the history of this conversation" is a good one. As long as it doesn't turn into not-a-true-fan nerd gatekeeping.
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We have been invited to submit monologues relating to banned books for a theatrical project.

"Ah, I am a librarian, this is in my wheelhouse, I'm sure I could come up with something," I said. (I do, unfortunately, have to figure out how to write a monologue.)

Poking around the list of frequently challenged books, I noticed This One Summer - which I love, and which is additionally Canadian. (And by the way, there's a decent reason why it's a frequently challenged book: it's a graphic novel for 12-14 that won a Caldecott honor, which are almost always awarded to picture books. If you order this book for your elementary school library thinking it's going to be appropriate for four-year-olds... you're going to be surprised when it turns out to be about how horrible and terrifying it is to be twelve.)

"I should write a monologue from the perspective of one of the characters in it," I thought to myself.

It did not occur to me until much, much later that I'm basically going to be writing fanfic.

If I can ever get my hands on the book.

(Both copies checked out of the public library; the college library's supposed to have one in but it might have vanished.)
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I wish there was as much socially conscious amateur criticism of literary fiction as there is for SFF; I mean, with the way things go, probably a fair amount of it would be "depicting a bad thing is bad," and most of the rest wouldn't get much further with the things that I'm wrestling with than I have, but. I feel like I'm stuck, sometimes.

I'm deeply ambivalent about what kinds of moral responsibilities fiction writers have. (I'm pretty certain about my the kinds of responsibilities I feel wrt my own fiction writing but that's a different ball of wax). And at the same time, I don't think that the discomfort I feel about story X is a matter of technique. I don't want to be prudish, I don't want to say that some subjects are off limits.

But if you're asking your readers to follow you through some dark places, I think you've got to think about whether you're giving them enough light to get out again.
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Every time I have a near miss on my bike I go through this thing of who was at fault, what was I doing wrong, am I doing something wrong just by existing on a bike, am I going to die in a really pointless way and is the driver going to say "I don't know, she just came out of nowhere!"

But what you learn, by being terrified over and over and over, is that I can survive most of the asshole stuff that drivers do. Most of the things that scare me will not hurt me physically; most of the things that hurt me physically will be, in the grand scheme of things, not too bad.

And you get better, gradually, with reflexes. With predicting what other people are going to do.

But it's awfully depressing, at times, to think about how much harassment and how much fear is just... a thing I have to deal with. Or take the bus forever, which I am too damn stubborn to do.

OMG!

8/3/17 15:53
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I won the Flyway Home Voices contest!

(Flyway is ISU's literary magazine. Normally students aren't allowed to submit, because we're also editors - the Home Voices contest is the one thing we are allowed to submit to, because it's judged blind by someone who's not a current editor.)

It was with a revision of this poem. *

FUN STORY TIME:

This poem is about a fight I had with my mother, so I felt like I was going to get struck by lightning for having written it, but then Deb Marquart came to our class and talked a lot about having written personal memoiry stuff, and stuff that was very mean about her parents, and said "Well, you can just hide in obscure journals for a while." So, well. Maaaaybe I'll just keep this one slightly under wraps.

*That entry is not public, but I'll link to the new version when it goes up on the Flyway web site at some point.
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Alas, I cannot spend this weekend seeing August: Osage County at the Kum & Go Theater in Des Moines.

Because it's in Des Moines.

But I can see Antigone or The Importance of Being Earnest right here in Ames, and will see them both if the weather improves and I don't die of grading Children's Literature midterms.

(This post only exists in order for me to type "the Kum & Go Theater in Des Moines.")

I am, however, considering renting a car and driving up to Minneapolis for a very brief vacation over spring break. King Lear is playing at the Guthrie, as well as a contemporary play or two that I've never heard of but should probably investigate more thoroughly. (I'm not driving all that way just for a play - but I do think I need to get out of Ames for a day or two.) I don't know if it's an awful idea for me to be driving after not having driven for so long, and ideally I wouldn't start with a 3.5-hour one-way trip, but... it IS a very direct trip on the interstate.
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The nice thing about having a relatively close-knit group of classmates in my MFA program is that I don't have to feel alone in things like angrily staring at an essay for four hours without doing any work on it, or having no idea how to complete an assignment correctly, or being continually consumed by fear or self-doubt.

I think I sound sarcastic, but really I'm not. I went all the way through undergrad feeling like the only confused and incompetent and flailing person. I mean, my grades said that I was doing okay, but I assumed that this was pity and grade inflation, and it's only in retrospect that I can see that my pretty good grades were pretty good grades that I actually earned. (This is partly because I spent my sophomore year in Japan and thus went straight from 100-level classes to 400-level classes, straight from Intro to Korean Culture to Let's Talk About Semiotics and Postmodern Theory in Japanese Cinema. Flailing resulted.)

But we are in fact all in this together; we are all trying hard at things that are actually hard; and you have to realize that you can't actually be held to a standard of impossible perfection when so many of your classmates are smart and talented in different ways but not a single one is impossibly perfect.

(The impossibly perfect ones got into Iowa Writers' Workshop.)

The actually cool thing about this, though, is that when you stop thinking of yourself as confused and incompetent and flailing, you start thinking of yourself as somebody who can help out all the other people who are flailing just as much as you are.

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