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25/3/13 22:11I recently had a moment of blinding self-realization, one of those things I can't believe I never noticed until now.
I have a habit of occasionally -- once a year or so -- buying some makeup, determined that I will be one of those people who looks put together and professional and not like a failure at life, and then I remember that actually I really hate wearing makeup, until I forget, and repeat the cycle. I have always assumed that this is because I am fundamentally lazy (this is true) and wasteful (a little true) and generally a failure at life.
But actually, it's not that.
It's that it's really hard to find a place to stand when mainstream culture is telling you that if a woman spends too much time on her appearance she's vain and high-maintenance, and if she spends too little time on her appearance she's not trying hard enough (and also, she's not pretty enough), and if you cannot look effortlessly gorgeous -- or pretend to look effortlessly gorgeous -- then you lose.
And if you're not pretty and you spend any time on your appearance, then that's the worst, because it's pathetic to think that you could be pretty. (Unless you are the heroine of a teen film, and all you have to do is take off your glasses and ponytail!)
This is multiplied when I don't see myself in mainstream media -- not in the sense that people like me are underrepresented, but in the sense that it's rare for me to see people with a look I would want to emulate. So -- it's taken me quite a long time to envision any possibilities for myself beyond "Ah, to hell with it."
"Ah, to hell with it" may continue to be my default position because as far as fashion is concerned, being tall and plus-sized and not too wealthy tends not to work out in my favor. But I feel like I've spent too long having internalized this idea that I'm going to get slapped down the minute I stick my head out -- it's not like it has no basis in truth, but I feel like I would rather risk getting slapped down just a little.
I have a habit of occasionally -- once a year or so -- buying some makeup, determined that I will be one of those people who looks put together and professional and not like a failure at life, and then I remember that actually I really hate wearing makeup, until I forget, and repeat the cycle. I have always assumed that this is because I am fundamentally lazy (this is true) and wasteful (a little true) and generally a failure at life.
But actually, it's not that.
It's that it's really hard to find a place to stand when mainstream culture is telling you that if a woman spends too much time on her appearance she's vain and high-maintenance, and if she spends too little time on her appearance she's not trying hard enough (and also, she's not pretty enough), and if you cannot look effortlessly gorgeous -- or pretend to look effortlessly gorgeous -- then you lose.
And if you're not pretty and you spend any time on your appearance, then that's the worst, because it's pathetic to think that you could be pretty. (Unless you are the heroine of a teen film, and all you have to do is take off your glasses and ponytail!)
This is multiplied when I don't see myself in mainstream media -- not in the sense that people like me are underrepresented, but in the sense that it's rare for me to see people with a look I would want to emulate. So -- it's taken me quite a long time to envision any possibilities for myself beyond "Ah, to hell with it."
"Ah, to hell with it" may continue to be my default position because as far as fashion is concerned, being tall and plus-sized and not too wealthy tends not to work out in my favor. But I feel like I've spent too long having internalized this idea that I'm going to get slapped down the minute I stick my head out -- it's not like it has no basis in truth, but I feel like I would rather risk getting slapped down just a little.